where does the pee come out of this thing
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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