He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
