The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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