So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
