the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
