Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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