Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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