I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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