Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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