You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
