If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize