you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
