You just made me feel so damn special
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
