dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
