she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize