Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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