I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
