why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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