I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
