this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
