a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
