my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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