Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
