Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you didnt know i had herpes?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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