I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize