Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
