Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
