I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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