i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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