You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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