I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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