watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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