you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
