why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
