I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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