I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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