Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
