we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
