I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to calm my uterus...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
