Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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