I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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