Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
