my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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