When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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