my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
