As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
