Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
