I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
