At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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