I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
