So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
