No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
