I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize