why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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