The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
