If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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