I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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