last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize