3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
