Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
