I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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