John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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